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In Case I Die Tomorrow

I know. That’s a very morbid title, but maybe it was enough to capture your attention.

Tomorrow I’m having surgery. A hysterectomy. I’ll spare you all the details and reasons why, but it’s time. Our family is 100% complete and it’s time I focus on myself for a minute. I’ve been having a lot of issues since my complicated pregnancy with our youngest and after multiple years of discussion with my doctor about options I’ve decided this is my best choice.  {If you’re having problems and your doctor has suggested a possible hysterectomy, I’m a willing ear and open book, just email me! I’ll leave it at that for the rest of the audience, though.}

self portrait famil winter christmas jammies card snow

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I suffer from major anxiety. I’m a worst case scenario type thinker. A couple years ago when my doctor first suggested surgery my first reaction was “Nope. No way. I’ll die. Literally, I will die in surgery.” This is why it’s taken me so long to settle on this decision which is very obviously my best choice.

A couple nights ago I sat my kids down to tell them about the surgery. I feel like my two big kids are old enough that they deserve to know. I gave them a very G rated explanation of the issue and what was going to happen. I had no idea how they were going to react. I’ve waited this long to tell them because my anxiety about telling them has been so high. I think maybe it’s because telling them it’s happening makes it’s very real that this is really happening.  Our oldest kept asking a lot of questions. He’s my left brained kiddo. He wants to understand all the details. Our daughter cried a little. She’s worried that I’m sick and she doesn’t want to be away from me.  Our youngest, the 3 y/o, said “I love Steve!” Steve is his new build-a-bear shark. So, I’m glad I know where I stand in the pecking order.

washing car driveway self portrait motherhood children summertime joy

I thought we were good after our conversation, but then the next morning at the bus stop they brought it up again. Our oldest said “I don’t want you to go to the hospital!” Then my sweet daughter said “Yea! You’re going to die!” And there it was. My anxiety slapped right in my face. I haven’t been able to shake it since. The waves of panic. The worst case scenarios. Anxiety is a beast, my friends. I’m thankful for my husband, who has not one inkling of worry in his body. He doesn’t understand my anxiety and I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m crazy, but he’s my rock. He talks me off the ledge and there’s no way I’d be able to do this without him.

self portrait mom kids couch christmas pajamas

Our daughter’s comment made me realize something. For so long I’ve thought that I take all these millions of pictures and tell all these stories for me.  So that when they’re all grown I can look back and remember all these moments. While this is true, the real reason I document our life is for them. ‘In case I die tomorrow’ they will have all these moments and memories to look back at.  They will know how much they are loved. That all of these little moments mattered. I’m creating a legacy to leave for them. Yes, I hope and believe that we will have a long happy, healthy life together, but it’s just that, life. We’ve already been shown how quickly things can change overnight. Document today.

I didn’t sit down to write this with any real point in mind. I guess all I’m trying to say is.

1. To my fellow anxious worriers, I feel ya.

2. To everyone, preserve your moments. They become memories very quickly.

3. I’d appreciate your prayers through this journey.

4. For whatever happens, at least my kids will have this picture, lol:

self portrait car mom kids funny faces

 

 

 

7 thoughts on “In Case I Die Tomorrow”

  1. Courtney, I was right where you are now when I was 35. Terrified and needing a hysterectomy. All went well, 33 years have passed, and modern medicine has improved so much. You will still be in my prayers but I am confident that life will be better for you! I wish you peace and comfort and God’s hands on all the people involved in your care.

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  2. Sending you extra love while you navigate this my friend. And virtual high fiving you over stuffie sharks named Steve.

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  3. As a fellow anxiety sufferer, I feel ya, momma. Your kids are super lucky to have these tangible memories, and of course, you. Keeping you in my prayers for a speedy recovery!

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  4. So important to have these memories! Something that they will be able to look back on and appreciate. Good luck with your surgery and your recovery!

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  5. From one anxiety sufferer to another- you’ll be in my prayers tomorrow!
    I am tots “catastrophizer” so I get it!

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  6. I write in journals for my kids for the same, “if I die tomorrow” reasons. Anxiety is awful. I feel it worsening with Hudson’s illness, I’m sure yours is stronger because of Tucker’s. Deep breaths. Modern medicine is amazing and positive thoughts and prayer can do so much too. Thank you for being real.

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